Fibromyalgia seems to fill most thoughts that I have every day. Following my diagnosis it quickly took over making my life difficult in many ways. Simple tasks either took forever or hurt me or both. How on earth was I to continue being amazing when my life no longer felt like my own?
Well four months on I still have bad days but it’s less raw as an emotion… I’ve cried for many hours, I’ve fought it, I’ve talked about it and I’ve just got on with my life as best I can.
Crying is actually a great healer, it lets all the negative thoughts and feelings out and has helped me to feel less angry.
Fighting it doesn’t work at all, I find that just wears me out even more and I don’t have the spare energy to give away!
Having wonderful people around me seems to be the best way forward. People who have time to listen but who also can make me forget, sitting gossiping with friends over coffee and cake uses much less spoons than crying and is so much better for the soul. I really would be lost without Mr C, my friends and a couple of my colleagues at work. Having a strong support network really does make a huge difference.
Getting on with life is hard but if you see it as a negative it becomes harder. So having a job I love Monday to Friday and nice dates with Mr C and friends on a weekend and occasionally on an evening keep me going.
So many people with fibromyalgia just give in to it. I know it’s tempting to just stay in bed and ignore the world but isn’t life too short? We have to live each day to the full and have no regrets. Yes some days it is very hard to get out of bed, but pain happens whether I’m laid in bed or sat at my desk at work. At least at work I have things to keep me busy which actually helps to numb the pain with the help of lots of pain medication.
I do believe that working helps to keep me sane, it gives me purpose in life, makes me feel needed, keeps my muscles moving, gives me interaction with clients and colleagues, keeps my brain ticking over and gives me chance to problem solve and smile. Smiling is very important!
If I stayed in bed all day my muscles would suffer, I’d probably have more pain which really would be horrible. I’d lose my social interaction which would attack my confidence levels and self esteem, I’d probably become anxious and depressed about my health and doing anything. I would lose my self worth and push friends away as I would be jealous of their lives and not want to be with them. Would I smile? Well what would I have to smile about? I’d have no energy at all because I wouldn’t be doing anything.
So what’s the best option?
For me it’s to fight through, to try and use my energy carefully throughout the day and keep my pain medication topped up so that I don’t have too many muscle spasms during the day. It is hard, just getting out of bed causes pain and discomfort, getting dressed, walking, showering, driving to work… everything is hard work but I think strength of character keeps pushing me through. People say ‘oh I don’t know how you do it, I struggle to get up every day’… yes I agree that would be the easy option but as I’ve already said that if I did that I would lose so much in life and then I would have regrets.
The only negative point is from other people, they seem to think I can’t really be struggling or suffering if I can carry on with life. Some question that I have got fibromyalgia. Well that’s their problem… yes I have it, it’s been diagnosed by my GP and a Rheumatologist. If you see me when my smile slips and I give in even for a moment you would see the pain in my eyes and know how hard it is… but as long as I’m smiling I can make the world believe in me and I can believe in myself.
Am I in control? Probably not… but if I take each hour as it comes, and one day at a time I can believe and that means I don’t let myself down and have no regrets!
17 January 2014